Author: Geoff Hudson-Searle

A very good friend and associate was in debate with me over some horrific trends within employee illness and mental health issues within business recently, and, with this in mind and reading a report another friend sent me, I decided to do some of my own investigations into why we are getting so ill with life, relationships, work, imbalance and what is the root cause of these problems.

Flexible working practices can do more harm than good to workers because they encourage an “always on” culture that can have a heavy psychological toll, experts have warned.
Working away from the office or part-time can isolate employees from social networks and career opportunities while fostering a “grasing” instinct that keeps dangerous stress hormones at persistently high levels, they said.
Flexible working policies can also raise the risk of poor working conditions, and create resentment among colleagues, while the blurring of lines between work and home life is stressful for some people.

The findings are a blow to advocates of more sophisticated measures for enabling people to achieve a work-life balance in rich economies that tend to overwork some people while underutilising millions of others.
With an estimated 10M working days lost to work-related stress in the UK last year, finding a good balance between the demands of home and the job now dominates concerns about the impact of work on health.
Work within organisations, there has been a definitive rise in those who are regularly stressed, diagnosed as clinically depressed or suffering from mental health problems. This can show itself through emotions rising to the surface and emerging as tears or disruptive comments and behaviour. Some would say that these cases are infrequent and represent individual personal problems, unrelated to the business.

Work is a major part of our adult lives so it is no wonder that everything is stretched to breaking point when you consider what the average person has to contend with on a daily basis in a struggling economy:
• Constantly changing goal posts
• Increased targets and work but no more time or resource
• Fear of being laid off and a sense that you lack control
• Low morale and job satisfaction
• Criticism and blame culture when things go wrong
• No remuneration for hard work

According to research provided by Bupa, UK workers take an average of nine days’ sick leave each year, more than four times as many as other Western European countries. This costs UK employers about £29 billion a year in lost productivity. Reasons range from commonplace illnesses like colds and flu to chronic musculoskeletal problems, while mental health conditions are the single most widespread cause of long-term absence. Alleviate the burden of sick days with these steps to improve staff’s health.

Musculoskeletal problems
This term covers any injury, damage or disorder of the joints or tissues and can be exacerbated or caused by workplace tasks.. Problems of this nature include upper and lower limb disorders, repetitive strain injuries, osteoarthritis and carpal tunnel syndrome. There are several measures you can take to reduce employees’ risk of these disorders, which include:
– make the task and workstation suitable for each worker
– introduce regular breaks to reduce the risk of repetitive injury
– if lifting heavy items is part of an employees’ job, ensure they undergo adequate training.

Mental health issues
Creating a supportive working environment for employees makes economic sense: around £2.4 billion is spent annually on employees who leave work because of a mental health problem6. Many people with mental health problems want to work, but they must feel confident that their employer supports them. If one of your employees is off sick due to a mental health issue, be sure to communicate with them regularly and have a flexible system in place that recognises their challenges and needs within the working environment.

Everyday illness
Colds and flu viruses can spread rapidly through a workplace. Encourage good hygiene with well-placed hand sanitisers, boxes of tissues and a tolerant sickness policy. Encouraging employees to take time off could actually reduce the number of days lost by illness overall. You might want to consider offering the flu vaccine to staff too, as immunising your employees against the flu is the best insurance against the virus spreading.

Food poisoning is caused by germs, toxins or chemicals in food or drink and it can be contagious. Cross-contamination is one of the most common causes of food poisoning so keep food preparation areas clean and ensure the communal fridge is cleaned weekly.

The health of a business relies on the health of its employees. Reducing staff sick days means supporting staff when they are sick, encouraging good hygiene and overseeing employees’ physical wellbeing at work. Creating a reassuring, communicative workplace where employees are happy and confident in their employer’s support can have a positive effect on absenteeism.

Here are some tips for combatting stress and work related illnesses:

Tip 1: Recognise warning signs of excessive stress at work
When you feel overwhelmed at work, you lose confidence and may become irritable or withdrawn. This can make you less productive and less effective in your job, and make the work seem less rewarding. If you ignore the warning signs of work stress, they can lead to bigger problems. Beyond interfering with job performance and satisfaction, chronic or intense stress can also lead to physical and emotional health problems.

Tip 2: Reduce job stress by taking care of yourself
When stress at work interferes with your ability to perform in your job, manage your personal life, or adversely impacts your health, it’s time to take action. Start by paying attention to your physical and emotional health. When your own needs are taken care of, you’re stronger and more resilient to stress. The better you feel, the better equipped you’ll be to manage work stress without becoming overwhelmed.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t require a total lifestyle overhaul. Even small things can lift your mood, increase your energy, and make you feel like you’re back in the driver’s seat. Take things one step at a time, and as you make more positive lifestyle choices, you’ll soon notice a reduction in your stress levels, both at home and at work.

Tip 3: Reduce job stress by prioritizing and organizing
When job and workplace stress threatens to overwhelm you, there are simple steps you can take to regain control over yourself and the situation. Your newfound ability to maintain a sense of self-control in stressful situations will often be well-received by coworkers, managers, and subordinates alike, which can lead to better relationships at work. Here are some suggestions for reducing job stress by prioritizing and organizing your responsibilities.

Tip 4: Reduce job stress by improving emotional intelligence
Even if you’re in a job where the environment has grown increasingly stressful, you can retain a large measure of self-control and self-confidence by understanding and practicing emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage and use your emotions in positive and constructive ways. When it comes to satisfaction and success at work, emotional intelligence matters just as much as intellectual ability. Emotional intelligence is about communicating with others in ways that draw people to you, overcome differences, repair wounded feelings, and defuse tension and stress.

Tip 5: Reduce job stress by breaking bad habits
Many of us make job stress worse with negative thoughts and behavior. If you can turn around these self-defeating habits, you’ll find employer-imposed stress easier to handle.

Tip 6: Learn how managers or employers can reduce job stress
It’s in a manager’s best interest to keep stress levels in the workplace to a minimum. Managers can act as positive role models, especially in times of high stress. If a respected manager can remain calm in stressful work situations, it is much easier for his or her employees to also remain calm

Final thought: ‘worrying’ is usually focused on the future on what might happen and what you will do about it. The centuries-old practice of mindfulness can help you break free of your worries by bringing your attention back to the present. In contrast to the previous techniques of challenging your anxious thoughts or postponing them to a worry period, this strategy is based on observing and then letting them go. Together, they can help you identify where your thinking is causing problems, while helping you get in touch with your emotions.

Using mindfulness meditation to stay focused on the present is a simple concept, but it takes practice to reap the benefits. At first, you’ll probably find that your mind keeps wandering back to your worries. Try not to get frustrated. Each time you draw your focus back to the present, you’re reinforcing a new mental habit that will help you break free of the negative worry cycle.

Marilu Henner once said:

“Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life.”

A few weeks ago I decided to watch a movie called “The Prestige” – for those of you that have not seen this EPIC film that was directed in 2006 here is a short storyline. In the end of the Nineteenth Century, in London, Robert Angier, his beloved wife Julia McCullough and Alfred Borden are friends and assistants of a magician. When Julia accidentally dies during a performance, Robert blames Alfred for her death and they become enemies. Both become famous and rival magicians, sabotaging the performances of the other on stage. When Alfred performs a successful trick, Robert becomes obsessed trying to disclose the secret of his competitor with tragic consequences.

So, at the end of the movie I could not help but think exactly what is Prestige in our now world. The Oxford dictionary has its definition as: “prestige, /prɛˈstiː(d)ʒ/, noun: prestige; widespread respect and admiration felt for someone or something on the basis of a perception of their achievements or quality.”

Chad Albrecht from the Huntsman School of Business wrote an article on productivity and prestige in business ethics research. Based on a survey that was administered to 320 business ethics scholars worldwide, the authors report a ranking of 15 business schools that are perceived to be leaders in the field of business ethics. Based on these same survey results, the authors investigated which factors may have the strongest relationship to individual publication productivity and perceptions of institutional prestige within business ethics research. The results provided several surprising findings that suggest the business ethics field may be anomalous in academe in terms of the emergence of productivity and prestige.

Efficiency at doing a certain task, in the workplace or otherwise, is strongly influenced by how motivated individuals are. Exploring new ways to motivate employees is often at the top of a company’s agenda. Traditionally identified motivators in Western economies primarily include salary and prestige, often complemented by meaning, creation, challenge, ownership and identity.

Whether in our private or professional life, every day we complete a certain amount of tasks, some of which are more or less pleasurable to do. Of course, when motivated or stimulated to do certain tasks, we often complete them faster, better and without procrastination, even when the tasks themselves are not very pleasurable. Motivation in general comes from a wide range of personal or social factors, such as financial compensation (salary), recognition by the colleagues or superiors (prestige), or satisfaction coming from personal achievements. It comes as no surprise that employers and companies are systematically seeking new ways to stimulate their employees towards being more productive and happier at the same time. In conditions of radical social and cultural changes, in particular those related to the emerging knowledge economy, enterprises are facing new challenges to motivate and retain key workforce, which is the focus factor of competitiveness in the market.

So while perceived prestige in the industry continues to be an important factor, it seems that priorities have certainly shifted in the marketplace, and people today are most concerned now with finding a workplace that suits their lifestyle and personality.

It really does not matter what is motivating you, but recognise it. It is exhausting to deny your true motivations. If you are motivated by money, growth, possessions, your family, partner and friends – that’s great. Accept it. Run with it. Maximise those desires. Work hard, get paid, do it again. When you harness your motivations, you can achieve a lot. It’s a source of energy, and gives your work purpose.

But ask the question frequently, “What’s motivating me right now?” Your motivations change on a regular basis. At some points you will be motivated by the work, and at others you will want the kudos and applause. Whatever it is, pay, prestige or process, embrace the motivation at that moment. Let it fuel your passion, your prestige may well become the motivational factor and energy behind your purpose.

Final thoughts; ‘find something more important than you are,’ philosopher Dan Dennett once said in discussing the secret of happiness, ‘and dedicate your life to it.’ But how, exactly, do we find that? Surely, it isn’t by luck. I myself am a firm believer in the power of curiosity and choice as the engine of fulfilment, but precisely how you arrive at your true calling is an intricate and highly individual dance of discovery. Still, there are certain factors and certain choices on your journey that make it easier and more worthwhile……

Matt Dillon once said:

‘Fame is part of me and my life as an actor. I enjoy the creative aspects of my life as an actor. I enjoy directing and acting as well. But the bottom line for me is not prestige and power. It’s about having an exciting, creative life.’

I was fortunate to attend the Oracle Business Analytics 2016 Conference recently, the conference raised my expectations with truly exceptional thought leadership, great content, case studies and the show stopper for me was a live demonstration to the delegates on a new business analytics product called ‘Day by Day’.

The product enables you to speak to your mobile phone device after reviewing a P&L and visuals, ask the spread sheet any question on and around the information received and the app will provide you with a) the answers in roughly 10 seconds and b) the new spread sheet and visuals now incorporated with your question.

My eyes were completely wide open, this was the most amazing set of tools I have ever seen or experienced, so I thought to myself is innovation the ability to have fast, interactive, visual insights into business performance that show the difference between success and failure, or is innovation so much more, do we really understand innovation?

Albert Einstein, a man whose name is practically synonymous with genius, is one of history’s greatest thinkers. As a physicist and mathematician, Einstein wasn’t an inventor in the vein of Thomas Edison or Alexander Graham Bell, but his theories of relativity led to new ways of looking at time, space, matter, energy and gravity. His work led to important advances such as the control of atomic energy, space exploration, and applications of light.

Design thinking represents a serious challenge to the status quo at more traditional companies, especially those where engineering or marketing may hold sway. Patrick Whitney, dean of the Institute of Design at the Illinois Institute of Technology (IIT), who sends many of his graduates off to Ideo, a design and innovation consulting firm, says he sees this resistance all the time.
“A lot of my students have MBAs and engineering degrees. They’re taught to identify the opportunity set, deal with whatever numbers you can find to give you certainty, then optimise.”

But some problems need to be restated before a big, new idea can be hatched. It often helps to take the problem and break it apart, before putting it back together in a whole new way — the synthesis or abstraction step. That’s where the creative leap often occurs and what Ideo’s process is designed to unearth.

Scott Berkun, author of the book “The Myths of Innovation”, recently suggested that we use the word innovation too often in a vague way and we have diverse intended meanings. I can not argue with him. It’s used carelessly to suggest a number of different things and has lately been a popular buzz word for nearly anything. Innovation should be something that is fresh creative, design lead that makes a difference to the world and one where we can see the value.

Do we really understand innovation?

Berkun’s well written argument published here at Harvard Business Review suggests that we use the word innovation to simply mean something “great”. He cites things like the Apple iPhone, Google search engine, and Pixar’s films as examples of output we all herald as innovative. He also suggests that people classed as innovative are not thinking about innovation or trying to be innovative, rather, they are just focused on great output and innovation is the perception of successful output by the masses. Berkun has good reasoning here–because something perceived as “Great” by common consent could mean that we all value something that has impacted us. This is one key ingredient to the definition of innovation.

Consumers have become increasingly habituated to look for and want what’s new, best, fastest, more convenient, or more fashionable, and to tire of products much more quickly. This mind set applies to virtually every category: even previously slow moving ones such as dishes, toothpaste, or paper towels. For firms to sit still and not successfully innovate is often to wither away, since competitors and start-ups have leapfrogged industry incumbents. Complacency is not an option. In this increasingly educated and talented world, with lower labour and production costs abroad, successful start-ups can pop up anywhere.

If innovation is also associated with our human feelings, it’s no wonder it is used so differently and widely. Innovation should be defined, is innovation creating new markets by discovering new categories of customers?
Is innovation harnessing new technologies but also by developing new business models and exploiting old technologies in new ways?

My final thought is why does a common definition of innovation matter?
Because if you do not share a common description of what innovation is and how it is created, you have little chance of achieving it with the other members of your organisation.

One of Einstein’s greatest quotes:

‘To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science.’

I recently attended a birthday drinks party in London, where I met a BBC journalist and we started discussing reinventing yourself for change – it was a fascinating discussion.
We would like to think that the key to a successful career or relationship is knowing what we want to do next and then using that knowledge to guide our actions. But change usually happens the other way around: doing comes first, knowing second.

So why is this?
Because changing ones career or relationship means redefining our identity, how we see ourselves to others, and ultimately what we convey and how we live our lives. Transitions follow a first-act-then-think sequence because who we are and what we do is so tightly connected. The tight connection is the result of years of action; to change it, we must resort to the same methods.

Most of the time, our identity changes so gradually and naturally that we do not even notice how much we have changed. But sometimes we hit a period when the desire for change imposes itself with great urgency.

What do we do?
We try to think out our dilemma. We try to swap our old, outdated self for new, more alluring selves in one fell swoop. And we get stuck.

Why?
Because, as Richard Pascale, http://www.economist.com/node/12676998, observes in Surfing the Edge of Chaos, ‘Adults are much more likely to act their way into a new way of thinking than to think their way into a new way of acting’. We rethink ourselves in the same way; by gradually exposing ourselves to new worlds, relationships and roles.

In the reinventing process, we make two kinds of changes: small adjustments in course and deep shifts in perspective.

It is a fact that we cannot regenerate ourselves in isolation. We develop in and through our relationships with others – the master teaches the apprentice a new craft; the mentor guides a protégé through the passage to an innate circle; the council of peers monitors the standards of a professional group, conferring status within the community.

It is as much about changing the relationships that matter in our lives. Shifting connections refers to the practice of finding people who can help us see and grow into our new selves, people we admire, would like to emulate, and with whom we want to spend time.
In the middle of confusion, many of us hope for one event that will clarify everything, that will transform our stumbling moves into a story that makes sense.

If we knew from the start what it means to be fully ourselves, life would be certainly easier. But because we are constantly growing and changing al the time, knowing yourself, turns out to be the ultimate goal at the end of the journey rather than light at the beginning.
Some top tips for reinvention and transitioning:
1) Realise that transitions are inevitable
2) Anticipate the outcome
3) Adjust and be flexible
4) Take the time to acknowledge the past, the present, and what you believe is the future
5) Acknowledge your emotions
6) Execute change step-by-step
7) Reinforce each positive step you take towards the transition
8) Educate yourself about what this transition means to you

Henry Rollins once said:

“I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone.”

I was fortunate to attend a recent conference organised by The University of Greenwich, The University of Birmingham and Chartered Accountants and Business Advisers Kingston Smith. The conference was focusing on SME Success and Winning New Business in the UK.

Although such areas as Technology and Fintech have dominated the discussions presented by Sir Michael Snyder, Professor David E Gray and Professor Mark NK Sauders, the facts are business performance in the UK has improved for over two thirds of SME’s compared to three years ago.

The financial technology sector attracted more money last year than at any time in its history, according to business services firm KPMG.
Research published yesterday showed global investment in fintech companies totalled $19.1 billion (£13.4 billion) in 2015.
In Europe, deal activity increased by 30% year on year. The UK consolidated its position as clear leader, with financing deals for the likes of Funding Circle, Atom Bank and WorldRemit meaning half of all European fintech investment came to Britain.

Previous perceptions about the typical profile of an entrepreneur would probably suggest that the person would typically be male and middle-aged, but business in the UK is changing and women are generally taking a more prominent role when it comes to business leadership.
It is interesting to note that at least 25% of registered self-employed workers in the UK are women and the number of female entrepreneurs is rising nearly three-times faster than the rate for men.

There are understood to be more than 1.2m self-employed women in the UK who are involved in full or part-time work and according to the Office for National Statistics, the number of female entrepreneurs has risen by nearly 10% in the past two years, which compares very favourably to men (3.3% increase).

TheBoardlist, https://theboardlist.com, sent out surveys to more than 750 CEOs in the tech industry, and while responses are still coming in, a preliminary cut of the data reveals that while some CEOs (38%) believe gender diversity is very important, just as many believe it is not.

The Boardlist founder Sukhinder Singh Cassidy, refers to the fact that there is a perfect split in her opinion. “What CEOs are telling us is that it’s a much more nuanced issue,” she says, see below video:

Will anything get more women in the boardroom?

With services like the Broadroom and the Boardlist now available, the question becomes, is any of this making a difference?

Recognising that women are significantly under-represented in engineering and technology careers, the UK government has repeatedly called for organisations and business to bring more women into the fold through its campaign Women into Technology and Engineering Call to Action.

The campaign focuses on helping to remove barriers to science for girls and women, and builds on previous schemes including work on equality by the Research Councils.
The Stem (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) diversity programme led by the Royal Society and Royal Academy of Engineering is also funded by the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills, while the Equality Challenge Unit runs the Athena Swan scheme supported by the funding councils and Universities UK.

The imbalance of equality has been in business forever, there is a shift and the research above clearly states that the shift is changing with an improvement in woman leadership and business, A previous blog that I wrote on inequality, titled ‘It’s risky business to ignore gender inequality in the work place’
summarised that more sponsoring may lead to more and faster promotions for women, but it is not a magic bullet: There is still much to do to close the gap between men’s and women’s advancement. Some improvements such as supportive bosses and inclusive cultures are a lot harder to mandate than formal mentoring programs but essential if those programs are to have their intended effects. Clearly, however, the critical first step is to stop over mentoring and start accountable sponsoring for both sexes.

History shows us that minority groups cannot change the status quo without the support of the dominant majority. The Civil Rights Movement in America is a good example of how a campaign became mainstream when it won the support of powerful “allies” from the white community.

To date men have been left out of this conversation as women have been told to “fix” inequality in the workplace themselves.
Irrespective of the shift, women are still less likely to be given the “hot jobs” key to getting ahead at global companies, despite having more development training than men. Instead, they’re more likely to have projects with a smaller budget, smaller teams and less visibility to senior leadership.

What actually needs to be “fixed” is an organisation’s culture and systemic biases. We know, for instance, that many women are not asked career-changing questions. There’s a huge difference between “do you want this job?” and “you don’t really want that job, do you?” Or, even worse, the question isn’t even asked.
Male leaders need to start challenging these assumptions in order to make change. Real equality in the workplace will only come about when diversity is something that male leaders are actively involved in.
They need to know that even though it may not be their fault that inequality exists, it is their responsibility as leaders to work for change and to call out protocols that may be holding women back.

As Sonia Sotomayor once said:

“It is important for all of us to appreciate where we come from and how that history has really shaped us in ways that we might not understand.”

Back in January, I wrote a blog called ‘Do we truly understand our individuality and character’.
The word character is being widely examined in our culture because people want the truth, technology is certainly one tool that people can hide behind the truth and the facts, lack of transparency too, people fear that if they are truthful, open and transparent that the truth will surface quicker via tech tools, so how do we build trust in each other?

Technologies can allow us to collect, store, analyse and communicate data and ideas in unprecedented ways should not lull us to think they can address old, entrenched problems in unprecedented ways. The primary constraints for human action are non-technological in nature.

Most people who do not speak up in public meetings have perfectly functioning voices, and training them on better enunciation will not help matters much. Many technology projects have been hampered by inadequate theorizing, by political economy and social movement analysis, and by the lack of reference to historical evidence. And while clear and imaginative thinking is universally valuable, by necessity this analysis needs to be contextual. In particular we need to be particularly cautious about transferring successful use of technology from one place and time to another.

Napoleon Hill once said “Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
However, transparent communication can open new doors for us to access a more extensive level of information in our lives. When we let go of our individual focus, we are able to experience the dynamics of life to a much greater extent. This allows us to move beyond the interpretation (understanding) of humans as objects in the physical world and thus experience humans from within.

If we recognise that rather than meeting people, we encounter realities in which these people emerge, based on what they believe and defend, we develop a deeper compassion and understanding. We are aware that in this world we all wear a false smile.

Once we begin to comprehend the inner experiences of others, and to create through our being, we make a quantum leap in our communication. We lift communication up to the next level of evolution. This helps us to acknowledge the true cause of many conflicts, looking beyond the symptoms to the root of the problem.

Have we created a separated culture in society, where we disguise the truth and transparency for what people would prefer to hear across technology?

Cultures also differ in how much they encourage individuality and uniqueness vs. conformity and interdependence. Individualistic cultures stress self-reliance, decision-making based on individual needs, and the right to a private life.

I was discussing with friends recently the morals around an Indian tipi. For more than 400 years, knowledgeable people have agreed that the Indian tipi is absolutely the finest of all moveable shelters. To the Native peoples whose concept of life and religion was deeper and infinitely more unified than his conqueror, the tipi was much more. Both home and church the tipi was a Sacred Being and sharing with family, nature and Creator. The tipi allowed the Plains Indians to move entire villages to suit the seasons and to be nearer to a good supply of food, wood & fresh supply for their horses.

The Cree people use 15 poles to make the structure of the tipi. For every pole in that tipi, there is a teaching. So there are 15 teachings that hold up the tipi. The poles also teach us that no matter what version of the Great Spirit we believe in, we still go to the same Creator from those many directions and belief systems; we just have different journeys to get there.

And where the poles come out together at the top, it’s like they’re creating a nest. And they also resemble a bird with its wings up when it comes to land, and that’s another teaching: the spirit coming to land, holding its wings up.

A full set of Tipi poles, represent: obedience, respect, humility, happiness, love, faith, kinship, cleanliness, thankfulness, sharing, strength, good child rearing, hope, ultimate protection, control flaps.

The tipi teaches us that we are all connected by relationship and that we depend on each other. Having respect for and understanding this connection creates and controls harmony and balance in the circle of life. For every time that a pole is added, a rope goes around to bind that pole into place. You have to be there and see it to appreciate that teaching. That rope is a sacred bond, binding all the teachings together until they are all connected.

So do we have much to learn from the Native American Indians about humility, and human 2 human communication?

In summary, transparent communication is a way of life in which different levels of consciousness as well as different levels of development and intelligence are included. It requires of us that we engage in an experientially oriented exploration of life.

Only then will we truly learn to comprehend the world as a form of exchange in which we share a common space of interaction and learn to recognise the cosmic addresses of conscious content.

I sat down with a good friend recently over coffee discussing various subjects when we discussed mistakes, I said ‘mistakes; lets change the subject’, and my insistent friend said ‘yes, mistakes, we are all capable of making the same mistakes over and over, because, under stress we tend to retreat to habits of emotion regulation formed in toddlerhood’. Fascinating discussion, its true; habits rule under stress and when the regulatory processes of the prefrontal cortex (the Adult brain) are overtaxed from physical or mental exhaustion.

In French, there is the expression “jamais deux sans trois” (literally: “never twice without a third [time]”). The term is used to express that something which has already happened twice is likely to happen again.

Mistakes have a negative image. So we hide them, play the blame game, or beat ourselves up when they occur. In fact, these actions compound our mistakes by creating stress and anxiety, damaging relationships, squandering time and money, and most importantly, often causing us to repeat the same mishap over and over again. The truth is, mistakes aren’t inherently bad –– what counts is how we view and react to them. How do you respond to mistakes? Do these actions sound familiar

William J. Clinton once said: “If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person. It’s how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit.”

“Never go back.” What does that mean? From observations of successful people, Dr. Henry Cloud, clinical psychologist and author of: ‘Never Go Back: 10 Things You’ll Never Do Again’ (Howard Books, June 2014),  discovered certain “awakenings” that people have—in life and in business—that once they have them, they never go back to the old way of doing things. And when that happens, they are never the same. In short, they got it. “Years ago, a bad business decision of mine led to an interesting discussion with my mentor”, Dr. Cloud says. “I had learned a valuable lesson the hard way, and he reassured me: ‘The good thing is once you learn that lesson, you never go back. You never do it again’.”

“I wondered, what are the key awakenings that successful people go through that forever change how they do things, which propel them to succeed in business, relationships, and life? I began to study these awakenings, researching them over the years.”

Although life and business have many lessons to teach us, Dr. Cloud observed “ten doorways” of learning that high performers go through, never to return again.

Successful people never again:

1. Return to what hasn’t worked. Whether a job, or a broken relationship that was ended for a good reason, we should never go back to the same thing, expecting different results, without something being different.

2. Do anything that requires them to be someone they are not. In everything we do, we have to ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this? Am I suited for it? Does it fit me? Is it sustainable?” If the answer is no to any of these questions, you better have a very good reason to proceed.

3. Try to change another person. When you realize that you cannot force someone into doing something, you give him or her freedom and allow them to experience the consequences. In doing so, you find your own freedom as well.

4. Believe they can please everyone. Once you get that it truly is impossible to please everyone, you begin to live purposefully, trying to please the right people.

5. Choose short-term comfort over long-term benefit. Once successful people know they want something that requires a painful, time-limited step, they do not mind the painful step because it gets them to a long-term benefit. Living out this principle is one of the most fundamental differences between successful and unsuccessful people, both personally and professionally.

6. Trust someone or something that appears flawless. It’s natural for us to be drawn to things and people that appear “incredible.” We love excellence and should always be looking for it. We should pursue people who are great at what they do, employees who are high performers, dates who are exceptional people, friends who have stellar character, and companies that excel. But when someone or something looks too good to be true, he, she, or it is. The world is imperfect. Period. No one and no thing is without flaw, and if they appear that way, hit pause.

7. Take their eyes off the big picture. We function better emotionally and perform better in our lives when we can see the big picture. For successful people, no one event is ever the whole story. Winners remember that – each and every day.

8. Neglect to do due diligence. No matter how good something looks on the outside, it is only by taking a deeper, diligent, and honest look that we will find out what we truly need to know: the reality that we owe ourselves.

9. Fail to ask why they are where they find themselves. One of the biggest differences between successful people and others is that in love and in life, in relationships and in business, successful people always ask themselves, what part am I playing in this situation? Said another way, they do not see themselves only as victims, even when they are.

10. Forget that their inner life determines their outer success. The good life sometimes has little to do with outside circumstances. We are happy and fulfilled mostly by who we are on the inside. Research validates that. And our internal lives largely contribute to producing many of our external circumstances. And, the converse is true: people who are still trying to find success in various areas of life can almost always point to one or more of these patterns as a reason they are repeating the same mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes…even the most successful people out there. But, what achievers do better than others is recognize the patterns that are causing those mistakes and never repeat them again. In short, they learn from pain—their own and the pain of others. A good thing to remember is this: pain is unavoidable, but repeating the same pain twice, when we could choose to learn and do something different, is certainly avoidable. I like to say, “we don’t need new ways to fail….the old ones are working just fine!” Our task, in business and in life, is to observe what they are, and never go back to doing them again.

People fear mistakes because they’re reprimanded and ridiculed for them. As a result, we become defensive when they occur. Imagine how we’d act if mistakes were a welcome way of life?
As Ralph Nader said:

“Your best teacher is your last mistake.”

The world of technology enables many things, but our social behaviour to others is changing, no longer do we want to discuss human to human across problems, maintain commitment in intimacy, share values or communicate our love for one another, the facts are technology is now an efficient tool for dispatching people too.

I read a very interesting story in The Times recently where a lady met a man on an online dating site, the first date apparently went well, the second date she had sex with the man and on the third date they had dinner and then sex together again. The lady purports that they never spoke again, the man never responded with text messages, emails, social online or communication apps, she became a victim of being completely disconnected from the man’s active online world.

The dating phenomenon is a manifestation of a sharp decline in empathy in our society, triggered by technology and the speed in which our current world operates within.

The attitudes and values of online dating have created a ‘rejection’ culture between humans, people have joined the comparison brigade, no commitment, no communication and no confidence, people appear to be increasingly selfish and ruthless. Technology has allowed us to become behind closed doors, rejecting and hiding behind messaging where there is no interest in the now, even after exchanging intimacy, is this not a lack of disrespect, responsibility, technology allows us now to avoid seeing the effect our behaviour has on the other person.

It is a proven statistic that technology can advance a relationship if there is understanding, knowledge and intimacy, so why are we always in a rush, humans are not commodities.

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist specialising in relationships, recently wrote a blog ‘Is Tinder bad for me, interesting enough she goes on to quote one of the new rituals of commitment is deleting the Tinder app. “I’ve deleted my Tinder app” is the new “I’m going to be with only you.” It’s one of the new rituals. It just is.

By definition, choice and commitment implies loss. You choose something, you lose something. In our culture the paradox of choice is such that people have become loath to lose anything.

There’s a common stereotype in culture that young men are promiscuous and only want casual sex, but a researcher of the topic suggests otherwise. Author and psychologist Andrew P. Smiler coined the term, “Casanova stereotype” in reference to this cultural belief perpetuated in Hollywood and homes across the country. Smiler’s research has actually shown that only a small fraction of men surveyed fit the characteristics of this “Casanova stereotype.” More often than not, men want a stable, satisfying, monogamous long-term relationship.

Larry Rosen, a professor of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills, says technology is distracting us from our real-world relationships.

In 40 years, there have been three major game-changers have entered our world: portable computers, social communication and smartphones. The total effect has been to allow us to connect more with the people in our virtual world, but we communicate less with those who are in our real world.

Our real and virtual worlds certainly overlap, as many of our virtual friends are also our real friends. But the time and effort we put into our virtual worlds limit the time to connect and especially to communicate on a deeper level in our real world. With smartphone in hand, we face a constant barrage of alerts, notifications, vibrations and beeps warning us that something seemingly important has happened and we must pay attention. We tap out brief missives and believe that we are being sociable, but as psychologist Sherry Turkle has so aptly said, we are only getting “sips” of connection, not real communication.

Worse, we don’t even need a beep or vibration to distract us anymore. In one study of more than 1,100 teens and adults, fellow researchers found that the vast majority of smartphone users under 35 checked in with their electronic devices many times a day and mostly without receiving an external alert.

Anxiety drives this behaviour. As evidenced by a rash of phantom pocket vibrations, our constant need to check comes from anxiety about needing to know what is happening in our virtual worlds.

In one study, human anxiety levels were monitored of smartphone users when we wouldn’t let them use their phones, and found that the heavy smartphone users showed increased anxiety after only 10 minutes and that anxiety continued to increase across the hour long study. Moderate users showed some anxiety, while light users showed none.

If we are constantly checking in with our virtual worlds, this leaves little time for our real-world relationships.

A second issue is the difference between connecting and communicating. While we may have hundreds of Facebook friends, people we never would have met otherwise, with whom we can share many new things, do they really provide the kind of human interaction that is so essential to our emotional health?

Psychologists define social capital, or the benefit we derive from social interactions, in two ways: bonding and the more superficial bridging. Research shows that virtual-world friends provide mostly bridging social capital, while real-world friends provide bonding social capital.

For instance, in one study it was found that while empathy can be dispensed in the virtual world, it is only one-sixth as effective in making the recipient feel socially supported compared with empathy proffered in the real world. A hug feels six times more supportive than an emoji.

Some very important quotes by Carl Honore, Author of In the Praise of Slow

“Slower, it turns out, often means better – better health, better work, better business, better family life, better exercise, better cuisine and better sex.”

“Much has already been destroyed. We have forgotten how to look forward to things, and how to enjoy the moment when they arrive.”

“While the rest of the world roars on, a large and growing minority is choosing not to do everything at full-throttle. In every human endeavour you can think of, from sex, work and exercise to food, medicine and urban design, these rebels are doing the unthinkable – they are making room for slowness. And the good news is that decelerating works.”

So what is the answer?

I think there needs to be a balance of email, social media and collaboration tools. What ever happened to picking up the phone? Talking to someone face-to-face? Or sending someone a card? Or do we not have time?

We need to examine our technology use to ensure that it isn’t getting in the way of our being sociable and getting the emotional support we need from the people who are closest to us, if we really want to preserve that ‘Special Relationship’

We need to put our phones away in social settings and consider making phone calls when we want to contact people instead of a series of brief texts, misinformed innuendos, and misleading interpretations.

We need to learn to check in less often and seek out face-to-face contact more often.